PART I - R, Myself, and all other guys are secretly GAY!

.... but not really.
Now, I'm not religious, but Christwire.org recently posted a list of signs to look for in order to see if your husband is gay. These range from the obvious to the downright weird. Let's take a look.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers

Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide something from you. Be on the lookout for a man who doesn’t want to web surf or answer phone calls in your presence.

"Oh yeah, show me that pussy!"

Now, I thought most guys liked porn, not just the gay ones. Heck, porn is one of the greatest things in existence to a lot of men, as it allows them to see nakedness without the effort of actually finding a woman and getting her in the mood.
As for the secretive nature, I think there's a lot more affairs where the adulterer is straight rather than gay. This doesn't seem like it's so much a sign that the husband wants man-pole, and more a sign of impending divorce.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way

When you’re out in public, does he spend too much time looking at other men? Is he fond of winking at people? Does he get visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance? 

According to this, most bad comedians must be gay, winking at the end of every bad pun. I wonder if this applies to cartoon characters, since they seem to wink all the time, with a peculiar ding noise that comes from nowhere (seriously, is there a guy with a triangle following them and waiting for them to wink?).

"I'm not winking, my eye was eaten by a rat!"

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups

Have you noticed a lack of interest in spiritual issues? Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?

Have you ever been to church? It's absolutely boring. I'd probably be more worried if I saw someone paying rapt attention to the priest, since they're most likely the person who made this list. Also, is this list accusing both bored priests and Scout leaders of being gay? Young men, all male groups... Mine Gott, they're right!

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home

Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing and will also be incredibly particular about the cleanliness of the home. Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers?

So in order to be straight you need to stink, not shave, have dry, cracking skin, and a beard between your legs...
No wonder so many women like gay men, all straight men are lumberjacks (or not according to Monty Python)!



5) Gym membership but no interest in sports

Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. They like to work out their bodies without the competition of sports play. Afterward, they use the showers and steam rooms to engage in sexual activity beyond the prying eyes of women. If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign.

Because it's completely impossible that he could have been working out, and be tired from that. It's so obvious that he's been having fun gay romps with towels, lube, whips, and kinky fuzzy handcuffs in the showers at the local gym.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”

Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. If your husband owns skinny jeans and looks at his buttocks in the mirror or if he wears an inordinate number of small-sized t-shirts, it is probably worthwhile to pay more attention to his private activities.

I KNEW IT! GAY MEN HAVE ESP! Actually, the way this describes gay men as 'lean' and 'hard' makes me question the author's sexuality. Besides, everyone owns skinny jeans nowadays, so it's probably pretty hard to tell who's gay and who's simply fashionable.

7) Strange sexual demands

Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on.

That's right. If your husband is kinky, it means he's gay, rather than turned on by S&M (which is still better than being turned on by M&M's).Also, something tells me that the author isn't happily married. Maybe he's writing this list about himself!

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films

Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage but there are many Christians who feel watching it does add something to their sexual lives. If you have gone down this road and find that your man perks up at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. If he selects films because of specific male actors, this is an obvious sign that he is suffering from a crisis of ego and desire.

The average male pornstar

Now this actually sounds possible... although you have to realize that there's probably only three guys in porn who have names anyway. Ron Jeremy, something Steele, and some other black guy. Most of the guys in porn aren't even shown above the waist once they're taken their clothes off. What's a 'crisis of ego and desire', anyway?





Part II is coming tomorrow.